The end is nigh

Having a glass of wine (what?! It's ten at night according to my body clock). Want to be tipsy for when the sun explodes/a meteor hits/zombies come knocking/whatever. Just in case!!! It's been a pleasure knowing every one of you, except you. Twat.

Adding a bit more to my decs!

Bought a six pack of golden reindeers from Robert Dyers and a pack of battery powered star lights for my window. I'm not going to stop there! I want a Santa climbing from my bedroom window! Tacky? Sure is.

In other news, I just ate the most tastiest, the tenderest (is that a word?) hog roast in a bun! They are £5 from Churchill Square, Brighton. Pricey but worth it! I love the holidays :-)

From tramp to prince!

Will be looking fancy in a suit tomorrow :-)

I'm not one to complain...

My Christmas Tree!!!

Here she is.

It only fell on me twice.

Treating myself!

Had a pretty miserable start to November. Such a depressing month!
To cheer myself up I've made some rather random purchases.

1) an iPad mini. I'm currently writing this blog on it. I love it! Although still trying to get my head around it. Always been an Android kinda guy, not Apple.

2) a lava lamp. One eye is watching what I'm typing. The other is staring at my lava lamp.

3) a (rather expensive) mug from the Disney store. It says 'The Wicked Queen' and has a picture of her on it. I can be a wicked queen at times! Very fitting.

4) loads of new clothes. Got to look good in Brighton at all times.

What next?!

Fuck the detox!

I was so determined to eat well and not drink, especially after a weekend of booze and junk food. It was an amaaaazing weekend though. It's safe to say me and my fab friends where a hit in Bouremouth.

I started my detox on Monday, ruined it with a glass or ten of wine. Tuesday I was determined. I was drinking green tea and eating hamster food. I even made a homemade soup. Which was delightful to the tongue.

Today! Relaxing start until the landlord walked through the door. The house is now at full capacity and it's f'in pissing me cunting right off. (see my previous posts: quest to find a housemate, parts 1 & 2).

I was in a downward spiral. I was even asked to do manual labour. WTF! Oh and the landlord stinks off old man hair and BO.

So, off I went to get the biggest Donner Kebab, 2x giant bars of choclit and a mixer for my Smirnoff Blue.

Landlord is here until SUNDAY so F.M.L.

Anyway, if I need to vent... i will do it right here xx

P.S. Well done Mr Obama. Not sure if it's my vodka talking but you are one sexy chocolate man! USA! USA!

To be continued...

...eventually.

Part two of my previous post will be published in a few days. Come back to find out what happened to Gay Air's Boeing 707 and crew members Martin & Danny!

Happy Halloween!

Muahahahahahhahahahahaha *ahem*

Myself and my friend Dan, cabin crew for Shoreham's newest Low Cost airline Gay Air, have just been called out for a night stop in Brighton.

We've put on our uniform, drinking a cheeky vodka as we get ready*

We have spoken to Captain Big-Penis, who has told us our flight time is about 20 minutes. The aircraft is currently in the garage as it has a faulty right falangy. It should be "fixed" in about 15 minutes.

We can't shake the feeling that something is still wrong. Something is going to happen to our plane tonight.

Airline: Gay Air
A/C type: Boeing 707
Registration: G-CUNT

To be continued...

*Gay Air is not a real airline and we are not drinking vodka before flying, FYI! #Justincase

Hurricane Sandy

Watching Sky News and the weather is already getting rough. Stay safe to everyone I know in the affected areas of America. Plus any crew I know who may be on a trip x

Damn clocks going back!

I don't trust my phone to automatically change time. So last night I disabled this function and I changed the time myself. I gained an extra hour drinking/sleeping, yipee!

Today I was supposed to be up and ready to leave the hotel in Manchester at 10am. At 09:10, I got a phone call from the receptionist saying the rest of the crew are waiting for me. Whaaaaaaat?! Tell them to relax, we have another fifty minutes!

Turns out, even though I unticked the auto change function, it decided to go back an hour anyway... So I was now two hours behind! I quickly shoved all my crap in my bag and dashed to reception. Without showering, gross.

As I told the crew... I am sorry for the inconvenience caused but I will not accept responsibility! Silly phone has a mind of it's own. It wasn't just me either so I didn't feel like a complete fanny.

In other news, I just bought an iPad Mini, white, 16gb WiFi! I thought I would treat myself.

Wooo

Spongebob!!!!!! That's all.

Can't bare these!

I'm not owed money because I've NEVER took out a loan, you cunts!

Morning commute to Gatters, pt. 2.

I love how I always get a trainee serving me at the ticket office. "Where ya going again mate". *looks down at uniform* where d'ya think?! (What felt like) 8466 hours later... I got my ticket and was on the train.

All set ready to do the cunt face to repell someone sitting next to me. It isn't that I'm unfriendly... I just don't want someones morning breath burning my eyes, whilst he holds his tabloid paper wide invading my personal space.

Two stations down, (what feels like) 3658 to go. "We are now approaching..." crap this station looks busy.

Fuuuuuuuuuck!

*Positions phone at an angle the cunt next to me can't see*

I think I'd rather walk from here. Old. Garlicy-onion breath. Green fleece covered in dog hair. Eating a homemade egg mayo sandwich. A tabloid paper wider that Nicki Minaj's ass.

Next time I will make myself look really gay.

Let it snow, let it snow, let is snow

Tomorrow, hot air from the Sahara will be blowing in our direction, giving us an unusually warm Autumn. Temperatures are expected to be around 21oC. Lovely (although I'll be working so... meh).

But before we get used to this and start dusting off the BBQs... an Arctic blast will follow at the end of the week which will bring SNOW! It isn't expected to reach the South of England (although the met office won't rule this out). Where I live. But as it happens, I will be spending two nights in Manchester this weekend.

Instead, the South will get Saharan dust, so you may see red-tinged sand stains on cars.

Cue the moaning Facebook statuses. When the first drop of snow falls, everyone is so excited and can't help but stare out their windows. 2 or 3 days later, the complaining begins! "OVER IT NOW!"

I cannot wait :o) Maybe because when it snows, I'm always at home drinking hot chocolate, with a splash of baileys, squirty cream and a flake - never leaving my front door. Bring it on I say!

Ghostly goings on - comment and share your experiences!

Since I moved into my new home I haven't felt alone.

I remember when I was a kid, me and my family stayed at my Uncles house for the Summer, whilst he was away on a long holiday (or vacation... for my American visitors ;)). His house was huge and in the middle of nowhere.

Me, my sister and dad went out to walk the dogs by the lake. Whilst we where away my mum felt something strange. It was like pins and needles throughout her body. She believed it was a spirit passing through her, entering her body, then passing out the other side. This may sound strange and unbelievable but my mum isn't the type of person to say random shit and she has always been very sceptic (is that the right word?) about these things.

On a family trip to Lancaster, we visited Lancaster Castle. We where given a (rather boring) tour of the castle. Part of the tour was being locked in a cell and then the lights turned off. This was uneventful and nothing spooky happened. Towards the end of the tour, we where sat in a huge hall. There where balconies looking down behind us. As the tour guide was chatting, I was once again bored, so I was looking around the hall. I looked towards a balcony and saw a white figure. Freaked out, I scooched closer to my dad, letting out a loud gasp. I looked back, it was gone.

A few years ago, when I had a cocker spaniel called Ralph, the TV show  Most Haunted was very big. I was very young. Must have been about 12/13. After a live special ended, I used my camcorder to look for orbs/ghosts in my mum's house. Ralph began barking at the wall. I checked the wall to see if there was anything there to upset him. Nothing. He wasn't a big barker either.

I have lived in my home in Brighton for a few months, where I am alone most of the time. It's an old three story town house, which used to be a slum and then a bakery. I have never felt like I was the only one here. Sometimes it was the occasional tapping sound. Creeking floor boards etc.

Things started to get even more freakier a few nights ago. I felt the same feeling as my mum did. I was lying down on the sofa watching Family Guy/American Dad late at night. I wasn't drunk! I felt it pushing into my body (sounds erotic lol). I can't explain the feeling! From head to toe, I felt something pushing/passing into my body. As I was lying down, I guess it couldn't pass through the other side. So I felt it leaving my body, the same way it came, as if it was going backwards.

Just then, I saw a white ball of light in my living room. It glowed for less than a second and disappeared!
I'm not scared of it. Since I moved in and since it entered me, I feel it is friendly and is ok with me being here. I even talk to it (god knows, I need a friend)!

I'm allowing comments on this post. I want to hear other people's experiences. Please comment below and let me know :)

INCONSIDERATE DEERS!

This radio call from a woman, called Donna, rang a radio station to complain about deer crossing signs.
She seems to think the signs are to show deers where to cross... because they can clearly understand them.

"I mean I've even seen them on the interstate. Why are we encouraging deer to cross the interstate? I don't get it."

The host tried to explain.

"You know deer crossings aren't telling deer that it's safe to cross there. Just more of an alert for drivers so they know it's a high deer population."

In the end the radio presenters gave up! She just did not get it!

Yummy

Happy Sunday!

Who's going tonight?

According to OddsChecker.com, Christopher Maloney is favourite to go tonight and he will be in the bottom two with Rylan. Booo :-(

-Tulisa is tipped to be the winning manager with Ella Henderson.
-Jahmene Douglas is currently second favourite to win, managed by Nicole Sherzinger.
-Completing the top three is Union J (god knows why).
-Gary Barlow will be the first manager to lose all his acts. Followed by Louis Walsh.

My X Factor blog continues here tonight :)
All the odds can be found here at oddschecker.com.

It's beginning to look a lot like...

...Christmas!
Could not resist and got my Xmas cards! Bargain price from Aldi! Be mad not to...

Only one straight girl on X Factor

The Sun newspaper is utter trash!

Jade Ellis and Lucy Spraggan are lesbians and Charlie (from MK1) is bisexual.

This leaves just one, Ella, who is the only straight girl.

I'm surprised, that in 2012, The Sun have printed an article like this.

A lot of people didn't know Jade was a lesbian and it didn't matter. The Sun are making it out to be unusual or a bad thing.

The captions underneath Jade and Lucy's pictures say 'Gay... Jade/Lucy'.
Would they do this if it was religion related? 'Hindu... (insert name here)'. Probably not.

I can imagine The Sun's HQ. A bunch of gorilla type men dragging their knuckles across the floor.

A little rant to start the day :)

X Factor Blog

My X Factor Blog starts tonight at 20:20.
In the meantime, I'm going to get some junk food to enjoy with junk TV.
Find it here.

Morning commute to Gatters

As the train approached Haywards Heath there was a crowd of business men on the platform, heads-down in their papers.

"God!" I thought. "I don't want any of these sat next to me"

So, I put on my cunt face. It looks like i'm sucking lemon juice through a straw.

They pile on... looking down at me as if i'm an underachiever. One guy sticks his bag on the seat next to me, unzips his North Face coat, unzips his bag, takes a file out, rustles papers, fiddles with something, zips up his coat, zips up his bag (getting annoyed now)... then walks off.

My cunt face worked! Although i'm a bit offended.

This is perfectly normal... right?

"I bottle fed my children - but I breastfeed my pug dog"

"Her tongue tickles and I do feel her teeth, but they don't hurt me!"

Oh, well that's OK then!

Me in 3 months

I'm really worried I am going to turn into THIS during the Winter.
I give you permission to kill me if this happens. Thank you.



I bet he's still a virgin.

Greggs: The TV Show

Are TV production companies running out of ideas?!

Greggs, the bakers, will have their very own show/documentary on Sky1 next year.
How RIVETING! Sat-on-the-edge-of-the-seat television, for sure.

"This will be popular television at its very best!" - Some TV big-wig. Will it?

It will air in eight parts. I can't see how they have enough material to fill eight parts. I could be wrong.
Maybe they will have celebrities working behind the till's or loading sausage rolls into an oven?

I will watch it anyway. I love Greggs.

Steps - Light Up The World (New Single!)

After the long wait... here is the new single from Steps! Oh I do hope it's a grower! Like Girls Aloud's new single... I feel let down! Why do they build us up in anticipation then release something which isn't great, at all.

I'm going to stick my headphones in my laptop and turn up the volume ra-healllly loud and see if that makes it any better....

...It does. I like it now.

Steps - Light Up The World (Official Lyric Video)


F.Y.I... I did this with GA's new single and I now like it, too. Everything is better louder.

Virus on the loose

Be careful what sites you visit and what you download. So many people I know (mostly all men...) have had their computers affected with the PCeU virus. This virus will completely lock your system.

I've been researching!

If you have the virus, a message will display saying you need to pay a £100 fine. It will give you two options. Here is a snippet (good word) from a geek website.

PCeU virus is a ransomware that has been spreading on computer systems for a few weeks now. It completely locks infected system and displays an alert stating that you must pay a fine of 100 pounds as your IP address was used to visit websites containing pornography and your computer also contains files with pornographic content. 

It states that you can do it either paying through Ukash or through Paysafecard. The message also gives more information on how to do that. Do not fall for this you will only lose your money. Beware that currently there are dozens of programs like that, using a name of police of other institutions to scare computer users and get their money. However, paying this so-called fine is not a solution as your money will reach computer hackers but your problem will not be solved. PCeU ransomware is a tricky malware that you must remove if you want to get your computer to its normal state.

So the moral of the story: Use your imagination instead of porn.

This advert scares me

Optical Illusion

Stare at the middle long enough and you will only see a green dot going round and round and round and... round. If you stare too long though you may need this website.

Tomorrow on This Morning...

"Why this woman's dry vagina almost ruined her marriage"
This is not to be missed. Tomorrow on This Morning, ITV1.

Girls Aloud - Something New (new single)

I hope it's a grower because right now I'm not keen!
Although, I thought this about Sexy No No No and I ended up loving it. I usually like a song more when I've seen the video. I like the end bit "We're the leaders of the pack, boy you betta watch your back". Here it is...

Girls Aloud - Something New

Hello...

...to my visitors from Russia, Guyana and The Philippines!
Thanks for coming :o)

Rude.

"Preferably.... someone who will KNOCK THE SHIT out of the unpleasant boy a few doors down. This boy has man-boobs, an irritating voice, fat hamster cheeks and always has food around his face."

Apparently this is an accurate description of me?
Don't I have lovely friends...

Quest to find a housemate, pt 2.

Got a guy coming round tonight to view the house. Let's hope he is the one as this is getting on my tits now.

The perfect house mate:
Fun, young, gay, always has chocolate, likes bacon, is never in, will get me a Christmas present and likes a good drink.
NOT happening:
Someone who smells, is always in, vegan/vegetarian, t-total and doesn't mind the ugly curtains in the living room.

Preferably.... someone who will KNOCK THE SHIT out of the unpleasant boy a few doors down. This boy has man-boobs, an irritating voice, fat hamster cheeks and always has food around his face.

Won't it be a shame if my window box fell just as he walked below?

Getting away from the point...

So, fingers crossed xx

Dance like no one is watching!

These where the days...

Don't you just miss shows like this? Thank god for YouTube.
Sabrina The Teenage Witch Series 2, Episode 1. Enjoy!

Thanks!

Very pleased with the amount of traffic my blog has had in it's first day!

I've had visitors from the UK, USA, France and Germany. Thank you for stopping by :o)

Take a look at my Twitter using the link above.

Please follow me and visit again.
Thanks again xx

Loving this...

I like someone...

:-)

Too bad I look like shit!

I do myself up and make myself look hot on a visit to Aldi and see no one! I pop to Charles Street for dinner and drinks and my secret crush is here. I look like i've just climbed out a bin.

F.M.L

Oops... typo

Excited*

My bad.

So exicted! They're back!

Quest to find a housemate

When I first moved to Brighton I was so happy that I was by myself for most of the time as the landlords only stay at weekends. Score!

Can you imagine how pissed I was when they said they need to find another house mate for additional income? Bah!

I told them it has to be my way, seeing as they would be living with me most of the time. That means no bores, no vegans and no non-drinkers. They must be gay, young, fun and attractive. I clearly stated on the ad that they must be a gay male. So why the fuck are straight/lesbian women contacting me?

Anyone know of someone looking for a central Brighton house share, who is a GAY MALE and willing to pay £450 inc. bills, send them my way xx

     

I am now a blogger!

Why not!

Got a boring, depressing, cold Winter coming up so I need something to do!
Will try and make my posts entertaining. A lot of weird shit happens to me so it should be interesting.

See you soon :o)
Martin xx